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Heart Shaped Bruises and Burning Kisses

It has been weeks since we decided to stay in touch and keep our ‘friendship’ or whatever this is, but it is rather unhealthy. We’ve been exchanging messages and greetings, acting like nothing happened, pretending to be friends.
But here’s the thing with good relationships with bad endings that leads to ‘friendship’, no matter how hard you try to not get hurt or get personal, everything will lead to that –it’ll be full of awkward situations and weird feelings. You try your best to be distant yet not-so-distant to make him feel cold.
You have sent me a picture if yourself, a really horrible things to do. It’s not that you’re ugly or whatnot, it’s because you’re not. You’re definitely not. Especially now. Well, maybe I just missed you, seeing you. And it’s not like I don’t want to see you. Trust me, I really really do. It’s just that I do not know if I should and could. You look better. So much better than I am. I’m happy for that. Stupidly, I used this photo as my laptop background photo. I don’t even know why I did it and what to do now.
I dreamt about you last night. It was so weird and random. We were at a room, like a classroom, and I brought you there with me; but or some reason we parted ways and you were with one of my b*tch classmates. There were something like a class or what then I approached you. You were seated in front of that bitch and you look so sad. I sat beside you and intertwined my arms with yours, (and these are the exact words, if my memory serves me right) ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’, I asked and you answered- ‘I don’t want to be your friend, Maricon. I want to be your boyfriend.’, then you shrugged and looked at me weirdly. Like you don’t know what to do. You took your hands and placed them in the pocket of your grey hoodie.  That’s it. I woke up.
Why the fuck did this have to happen? I woke up cringing. It’s like a thousand heart shaped lights are burning my skin. I just wanted to shut my eyes again and continue the damn dream. What will Fantasy Maricon say? What will Fantasy You do?
If this was in reality, I would try my very best to keep you and an optimistic view in our relationship. But I wouldn’t want you to regret or stop doing things that you love because of me, compromising is not a small thing. Plus, this wouldn’t happen in real life. Right?
I still remember that one kiss you gave me before you had to fly back to Poland. Every day I touch the cheek that you kissed, making me feel worse. Some days, it’s extra itchy. It’s has been over a year or three since you kissed me but I could still remember and feel everything. The lights, the music, the smoke, the clouds, the food we ordered, the silly blue collared shirt that you wore, the annoying comment you made about me wearing black all the time, the pain that kicked in when you told me that you are to go back to your place, and your face. The same face that I saw in that silly dream; a really sad face.
I don’t know why this is bothering me so much, I mean this is just a dream. Dreams are nothing. They start and end in our sleep. I shouldn’t be thinking too much about this. But I can’t help myself. The look you had in that dream was so real. You looked so sad and it ticked me ti think that I was the one hurting you. I am the one causing pain.
All I want is to love you and be with you, trust me on this; but things in real life are a lot messier and complicated than we ever imagined and prepared for.

My Knight in Shining Laptop Screen

     There has been nights where it kicks in, having that feeling deep in my gut –a feeling that I cannot interpret nor enunciate for all the basic and complex reasons. –And this feeling makes you wanna vomit, spit everything out til you’re dry to the very last pulp. I have to stay strong, I know that; not for anyone else but for me and just for me.
            I remember the time when you would stay up with me, help me fight this battle. Well technically, you didn’t really stay up because it wasn’t that late in your part of the globe; probably the only perk of time difference. –Oh no wait, there’s another one, it’s when I forget any special date and just come up with the cliche excuse that I was waiting for your share of the world to be in the same time scheme as mine. ‘Well, I was waiting for you since it’s not *insert random special celebration here* for you yet; and I don’t want to celebrate it on my own. Where’s the fun in that?’ –oh how I miss this line. You know that it’s complete bollocks yet you’ll just grin and blow me a kiss.
            I remember those sleepless nights given to me by my anxiety and insomnia, you were there to cheer me up or stay up with me. I would sleep by sunrise and you by sunset. At times that you were still at your classes, I would spam your inbox with all the sappy nonsense that I find amusing then. You would respond with your infamous ‘I missed you’, knowing that we have been talking since you woke up and before you went to your class.
            I remember the time when you were to pout and act dumb just to convey the message of being mad at me, I would then send you links of various songs and videos to make you happy. Trying my best to give you at least a quarter of what you give to me, hoping to make you happy as much as you make me. Doing everything I can to make our time worth it, to be memorable and one of a kind.
            I was the one who never really wanted anything serious, you were the one to pull me and kiss my doubts away. I would ask you if we could ever make it, you would always say we will. You would say all the right things at the wrong time which will make it right.
            I am the one to question everything and you would patiently sit there and nod, answer my dumb questions too. In all honesty, I ask these questions for entertainment. You’re so smart. You have a say in everything, and its not one of those annoying and trying hard kind of say.
            You were the only person to actually try and understand me, and I know who and what I am so I am giving you two thumbs up for the effort. You’re the only one to actually make me feel alive. You’re the person who made me feel special, made me feel loved, and beautiful. You made my worries go away, you calmed me down. You were always there to understand me, appreciate me, and love me. It’s you. It has always been you. Just you.
            You were the one to cheer me up when I am down, you are the one to call me just to wish me luck for my quiz, exam or whatnot without even thinking about the bills. You are the one who made me a mix tape and it’s 2014.
            Now, all I have is a broken heart and a handful of eye bags. This is what I get for being a fuck up. Sometimes, I regret my decision. Imagine how everything would’ve turned out if I didn’t ruin things.
            It hurts so much how we went from ‘I miss you already’ and ‘Keep your video on, I would like you to be the first and last person I see every day.’ to ‘I don’t hate you and I don’t love you as well. I do not feel anything for you’ and ‘We’re not friends, we’re colleagues’. I know that I am in no position to whine about this buut it just stings. I am not blaming you but myself. Only myself.
            I miss you and everything about you.
            I miss us.

Then He Said -‘Hold Onto Me’

          These past few days I’ve been feeling like a walking black hole. I’m just sucking everything up and gradually waiting for my own end. I have no idea what was happening and I couldn’t bare it anymore. It’s like I was bitten by a direwolf with a raging rabies which is already streaming along with my blood.

            The dark cloud has been following me for a month now, wanting what I know that I do not have. If only I could tell these people what kind of abusive cloud this is, they would understand. Hopefully. This dark cloud is eating me up again, making me think of the things that I shouldn’t and have given up already. Old habits die hard. I have hit rock bottom yet again. I miss the days where breathing doesn’t hurt and smiling wasn’t so much as a responsibility.

            Since this cloud is my only ‘friend’, I tried to succumb to him. I grabbed the tool and yanked it where it belongs. I’ve never felt so alive. Seeing the liquid made me nauseous and alive at the same time. Funny thing? I still felt nothing, other than the cold breath of the dark cloud. I drew another line with the tool, maybe this time I would feel it? Maybe this time, I would be awake and realize that I am nothing but a spacetaker. I rather see myself gone than others.

‘The problem is who you are. Do the world a favour.’ –maybe I will. The second line was deeper, the liquid is now everywhere, my head is lighter than usual. Better. Or so they say. I wonder how long will this take.  I looked at my reflection and didn’t see a thing worth living for. ‘I am trying.’, when will they stop asking too much from me? ‘I just can’t do it anymore’, when will they realize that some things are better off broken? When will they back out and stop fucking with me? ‘All I do is hurt people, but what do they really want from me? They want to be involved and when they already are, they will leave. Perfect.’To my family, you guys brought the best out of me. Always. You are the reason why I held on for so long’, maybe too long. This isn’t cutting it, I braced myself for the third line. ‘To my lover, I am so sorry.’, the pain is ticking in. I looked at the sink and there was red everywhere. Red for all the wrong things I have done and would’ve done. I am a mess, maybe that’s why it’s time to say good bye. I am never good at good byes but this is probably the best thing that I have ever done. I never felt so alive. Seeing these made me realize that I am alive. That I am supposed to feel. For a minute, I examined the lines. I saw a faded trace of a semicolon that I usually draw on my wrist. Just above the lines. ‘Maybe it’s time to turn the semicolon into a period.’

I was getting ready for a fourth line when he appeared. His face looked so lively, like I remember it. Like how I want to remember it. He’s not in an urn, he’s alive. He’s with me right now. He looked disappointed. ‘You promised to stop this.’, what can I do? I just had to. I’m sorry. ‘You said you would stop.’, but this is the only thing that I can do to make myself feel alive. ‘You tried this before, you’ve hurt me.’, that’s the point, can’t you see? If I push through, the pain would be a onetime deal, but if I don’t, I would have to suck it up and live a life hurting people. ‘You’re overthinking this, you’re not well. You need to rest. It’s been three days since you had sleep’, I am pretty sure that this is what they want. I no longer have a reason to stay here. I do not have anything or anyone anymore and I rather continue. I started to draw in the fourth line, deeper than the rest. Oh the pain is perfect. ‘Hold onto me.’, I looked at myself again. I had a plan. I have a plan. I looked at my slitted canvas, four is for the luck. Washing it was better, the sting is stronger and slapped me with reality. I grabbed myself a towel and wrapped it on my arm.

I will do this for you. I will hold on. I will see what I can do. 

You will be sorry when I’m gone.

It’s been 365 days since I met these awesome people. Still the best day ever.

It’s been 365 days since I met these awesome people. Still the best day ever.


sunglasses emoji only wears his shades to hide the tears


For The First Guy I Believe That I Truly Loved

I’ve been staring at this blank page for quite some time now. Not knowing what to write, where to start, how to do it and what to say. This stupid cursor have been blinking for weeks now -a constant reminder of how long since we have deserted our so called ‘love’. Every blink hurts like hell. Like there’s a mini black hole in the middle of my body, sucking everything that I have and turning them into dust and nothing more.

I would email you but I wouldn’t want to ruin your day. I would call you but I don’t want you to hear my cry. I would text you but I don’t want to bother you, since I know how much you hated using your cellular phone. I would hand write this and send it through air mail but I know you wouldn’t let me. Also because I don’t know where your new flat is and all I have is your home address, and God knows you hate going home as much as I hate mayonnaise. I would send you this in any form but I know it’ll make you feel things that you hate, once liked, and I cannot forgive myself anymore. If it does you any good, no one can hate myself as much as I do.

How are you? A stupid question you might say and I will agree because you’re a smart man. A man who have different ways to touch my heart and make me feel all those stupid feelings that are found and described on those silly love movies and sappy novels. However, I do hope you’re better. I hope you didn’t drink more than you could but I bet you did - and since you’re Polish,according to you, you don’t get drunk. Except that one time when you got alcohol poisoning and was hospitalized, passed out at an alley and even got robbed. You get robbed more than I do and you call my country barbaric. You had to swotch 4 phones on the span of our relationship. What a clutz. What a stupid man.

I want you to know that while I am writing this abomonation of bullshit, I am looking at your photo. The one you took when you were at Iran? You were at this monument thingy. You were wearing your maroon plaid longsleeves, that I know you wished blue since you love blue so much. You have this annoying pout on, which I am 100% sure mocking my ability to do fish lips because I know that you can’t and you’re jealous of me. I have put this picture as my desktop background, I hope you don’t mind.

Happy 23rd birthday. I hope Patryck didn’t hire you strippers. It’s not that it’s still my business or what. I just don’t want you to feel awful on your day. You’re 23 now. Well, tomorrow, at least. You will be graduating on October then you will be moving to Iran to get a job while attending graduate school for International Security and or Multiculturism. however,I hope you wouldn’t forget to make your actual dream a reality. To own and manage a Pierogi restaurant. I would write the name of it here but I would be publishing this over the internet and I don’t want anyone else to use it but you. It will be easy for you, I’m sure. You’re a very dedicated man. Quite lazy, yes, but all you need is a little push. You’ll make it. I am sure. Plus, you love pierogi more than anything and anyone else in this galaxy. You even love pierogi more than me and I am comfortable with that. Minus the idea of you getting aroused with food. Kidding.

Thank you. For everything. For introducing me to awesome TV shows. For being the best boyfriend a girl could ever ask for. And I don’t say this for flattery. I don’t even want to compliment you. But when people ask me to describe you, it all comes out as a compliment. They even label it sweet and or cute which makes me vomit and I’m sure you too. Can you imagine that? People calling us cute? We’re not cute. We’re hardcore. We’re badass. We’re metal as fxck. Right? Thank you for making me feel things that I never thought I could eer feel. Thank you for being you.

I miss you. Everything about you. Your stupid laugh, where you sound like a snorting pig. A pig having sex while being slaughtered, your words. I miss your horrible racist jokes.How you would Google up racist jokes and read them to me for like 2 hours. I miss how you laugh at your own jokes, how you talk about food like it’s the best thing ever, how perverted you are, how everything is about sex when it comes to you, how childlike you are, how playful you are, how you talk about my brother like he’s yours, like the way you secretly hate what you chose. I just miss you. You talking to me.. but it doesn’t mean we should.

I’m sorry. Mor ethan I could say. More than what my feeble vocabulary can offer. I truly am.

Always take care.

Forever Yours,


The book, the movie, and the soundtrack are all sickeningly wonderful.

The book, the movie, and the soundtrack are all sickeningly wonderful.

This happened to me last Monday on a bus. She even took my earbud off and asked me “Do you worship evil?!” -then she was like “Is this our youth?! What happened to our youth?!”. I was so tempted to say “All Hail Satan”.

This happened to me last Monday on a bus. She even took my earbud off and asked me “Do you worship evil?!” -then she was like “Is this our youth?! What happened to our youth?!”. I was so tempted to say “All Hail Satan”.

Okay? Okay. #tfios #thefaultinourstars

Okay? Okay. #tfios #thefaultinourstars